lemonade

November 25th, 2013

When life hands you lemons…make lemonade.

Exactly one year ago, this very minute, I was learning of Ken’s death and that my family’s world was irrevocably changed. I often wondered how I would make it through a day, much less a year. They say that the first year after such a loss is the hardest. It sure wasn’t easy. I’ve written about some of the events that have transpired during the last 365 days, some good, some bad, some REALLY bad. I can honestly say that at the end of it all, I am a happier person, not BECAUSE it happened, but DESPITE it happening. It didn’t destroy me, when it could have. I’ve done things that I didn’t think I’d be able to do on my own…and I’ve done some things I couldn’t have on my own without the aid and love of friends and family and through God’s grace.

Probably the most valuable lesson I’ve learned is that time is precious and unpredictable. If you are feeling something, you should let it be known. We always say “Life’s too short…” but how many of us actually stop and practice life (because let’s face it that’s all we’re doing, practicing…none of us have it down pat) with that philosophy? I’ve been hard at work, once I got moved and settled, to embrace that philosophy. To tell the people who mean something to me, that they do. To live, to laugh and to love, fully with wreckless abandon. My life is fuller now than before, because of it. There have been huge losses and prices to pay for that and I think about those all the time, but sometimes truly, things have to get far, far worse before they get better. And sometimes, the thing that’s best for you, seems like the worst thing ever. The things we’re most afraid of, we should face head on. Situations that aren’t healthy for us, we need to find the strength to let go of. People who we love, we need to express it to…and we should be thankful for that which we have, not remorseful of the things that we do not.

I’ve had to say goodbye to more people than Ken. Some by my choice, some against it…and I think about those people all the time even still, hoping for the best but accepting that change isn‘t always by our choice.

We are never guaranteed tomorrow…but now, I look forward to waking up every day to see what life has in store for me…to see the people who make my heart smile, and oh how it’s smiling.

Embrace your life…the good, the bad, the ugly. You only get one, live it well and fully. Drink your lemonade.

watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain

November 25th, 2013

For some reason, probably many reasons actually…I feel like I’m dying. I’m spent. It’s not easy, pretending that everything’s okay when you are truthfully about as far away from okay as you can be. But, I’ve become a pro at it.

There are times when I wish that I could just feel everything all at once, all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness just to get it the hell over with. There are times, when I feel like I AM feeling everything all at once. This is one of those times. It’s maddening and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I’m so tired of my heart feeling like a brick.

A light bulb going out in my closet nearly sent me over the edge. Little things like that are reminders of exactly how much things have changed in my life. I’ve always been the kind of girl that felt like it was important to be independant, that I could do anything, and didn’t need anyone to help me. I CAN do anything for myself…but that’s not the point. I don’t WANT to do everything. I miss having someone here to change that lightbulb, to ask me what’s for dinner, to smile with me on the good days and hold me on the bad. It makes me so angry that he’s not here, so angry at myself for wasting time that we could have spent doing things together and not doing them. I’m angry that I’m the one that’s still here, feeling everything. I’m angry that I’m the one that had to watch our home and our family we worked so hard to give a life to, get dismantled piece by piece. But I can’t even wish it was me that was gone, because that would bring this pain to other people who mean everything to me and I wouldn’t want that either.

I know that all these feelings are “normal”. But being normal, doesn’t make them hurt any less nor does it make pretending that everything’s ok any easier. I just want it to end. Now. I’m so tired of pretending…

what is love, anyway?

November 25th, 2013

“There are four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” -Johnny Depp

Ashlyn posted this on her Facebook page yesterday. It resulted in a little discussion between her and one of her friends about the authenticity of “love” with her friend indicating his belief that love has been proven to be merely a product of chemistry. It was interesting to me to see this dialogue and started me to thinking.

Now, I’d like to point out that I’m not an ageist. That being said, I think that life’s experience can teach you a thing or two about emotions and what is real vs. not real. And moreso via the bad experiences than the good ones. The bad, paving the way for appreciation of the good.

I’m a huge fan of The Matrix movies. And there is one particular scene in Matrix Revolutions that contains dialogue that really affected me:

Neo: I just have never…
Rama-Kandra: …heard a program speak of love?
Neo: It’s a…human emotion.
Rama-Kandra: No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies. I see that you are in love. Can you tell me what you would give to hold on to that connection?
Neo: Anything.
Rama-Kandra: Then perhaps the reason you’re here is not so different from the reason I’m here.

Love IS just a word…used to describe the connection. Is that connection, chemical? Sure…the physical aspect of love is. But it’s foolish, or maybe just naive, to think that it ends with chemistry.

It goes without saying that the many facets of love cannot be put into a single box and tied with a nice ribbon. The love a parent feels for a child is one of the strongest emotions that living entities experience. I say living entities, because this love is not only expressed by human beings…it’s also exhibited by many creatures in the animal kingdom.

Equally as strong is the love that two people experience, this includes the chemistry piece…but it is also the emotion that compels one person to give another the power to break their heart into a billion pieces, but trusting and hoping that they won’t. True love, reciprocates that trust and hope by being careful not to abuse that power. It is also love that grants forgiveness when we are human and fail to keep that trust. We are, after all, fallible.

Chemistry, standing alone, cannot possibly be responsible for the myriad of things that love is comprised of. If it were, there would be by now real “love potions” to alter chemistry to manufacture true love. Most of us, spend a lifetime searching for love. Simple chemistry could provide a quick fix to that search…last I checked, most of us are still looking, kissing frogs and froglettes.

I think Mr. Depp is right. And I think Howard Jones says it best really…What is love, anyway?

What is Love?
I love you whether or not you love me,
I love you even if you think that I don’t,
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you, but I don’t mind.
Why should I mind? Why should I mind?

Chorus
What is Love, anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway?
What is Love, anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway?

Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad?
The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can,
This is why I don’t mind you doubting.

And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be,
The door always must be left unlocked,
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you,
And not to spend the time just doubting.
~Howard Jones

What do you think?

starting over

November 25th, 2013

Sometimes starting over is easy…sometimes it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I’m falling into Category B, I think. When I think about the last 7.75 months…yes, it’s already been that long…I think about how far I’ve come after the singlemost difficult day of my life. But, I also think about how far I’ve yet to go to reach what I think is a normal life. Now, don’t read this wrong, this isn’t a “woe is me, life sucks and I don’t know what to do” post. The fact is, I don’t know what to do all the time, but I’m ok with that. I don’t think there’s any one of us out here struggling through this thing we call life that always knows 100% of the time the right thing to do. Hell, sometimes we get doing thewrong thing, wrong. LOL

I am in a strange place right now. Trying to figure out what I want from life, what’s going to make ME happy when I’ve been focused on everyone else for over 20 years. It’s really much, MUCH, easier to focus on everyone else around you instead of directing that glaring eye at the person looking back at you in the mirror. I’ve gotten slapped squarely on the face since Ken’s death but I lived through it. In the end, I now believe that how things will turn out will be for the best. For ME anyway…the other parties, I’m not so sure. That’s now beyond my control so I’ve chosen to let go of the worry that comes with that.

I have one regret over the last couple months, and only one, which isn’t so bad all things considered. I hurt someone I care about, by doing what I thought was best for me at the time. I still think it was probably what was best for me, it was how I handled it that I wish I could get a do-over for. I let think, replace feel which is counter to everything that this past year has taught me. Feelings, right or wrong, I truly believe are most important. It is never wrong to be caring. EVER. Even if someone doesn’t seem to deserve it. I don’t know how to fix this one, or even if I should. So, I’ll just let it be up to the fates to decide I guess.

I’ve got to start taking better care of me, inside and out. I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat right, I don’t give myself enough of a break mentally or emotionally. I need to mother me, as a good friend so accurately pointed out to me today. So that’s what I’m going to focus on. That, and finally getting my house in order. I just haven’t had any motivation to finish it.

So, I’m going to use my blog to chronicle the reconstruction of tiggerprr. Starting tonight, I’m taking a class online to work on getting my A+ Certification…so that’s partways towards taking care of my mind. More later…or I’ll be late to my first class.

Renewal…

November 25th, 2013

2009 sucked ass in so many ways it’s not even funny so I will dispense with recapping it or adding to the suckfest. 2010 has not started off great either due to some craziness and some self-inflicted sadness for my greater good. But that’s…okay. If I learned anything this past year, it’s that no matter what happens, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

I moved away from blogging a couple years ago because I’d gotten a new job and then Ken’s kids moved in with us, causing me not to have the time you really need to have to devote to blogging as it should be done. The honest truth is, now I have nothing but time and a lot on my heart both happy and sad that probably could be served by writing about them.

So that’s what the title of this blog post means…not my renewal…though that’s what blogging will most assuredly become a part of…but instead, the renewal of Tiggerprr’s Scratching Post. I may never again build the following I had before, but that’s ok…I don’t need to be popular. I need the therapy and camaraderie that blogging provides. I’ve missed you, bloggy friends…I’ve missed you, blog. I’m home.

Simple Math

November 25th, 2013

This move has been a life lesson for sure. Hell, this YEAR has been a life lesson. As new people come into my life and old ones return, I’ve been learning lately about simple math. Not the addition, subtraction, multiplication kind… we all know I suck at that. But instead, whether or not people add things to your life or take them away. Some people do neither.

So I’ve been thinking a lot today about that. Am I adding anything to my friend’s lives? Are they adding anything to mine? Do I have to keep certain people in my life, just because they’re there? The answer to the last question, is no. I like to think that I add something, even something small, to those I have interactions with. It’s definitely something to work towards, being a better person and all. There are a few people I wonder about whether or not they should be allowed to be a part of my life. I think I know the answers to those questions, but it’s hard sometimes when you like them. Some people are just toxic though…and when you’ve been through the hell that’s been my life this year, you really need to surround yourself with lightness instead of darkness and drama. It’s a tough thing to put into action though, when you’re a fixer, like me. I want to fix everyone’s problems and unhappiness. All that’s ever gotten me is unhappiness and frustration because people need to want to be better people on their own, not because you’d like them to be or even when you need them to be.

I need to get better at setting boundaries with people. People can only do to you, what you let them do. So that’s my me project for now…setting boundaries and limitations on behaviour, both mine and others who I choose to let into my circle. Thinking about what I’m adding to others and who’s adding to me…and who’s not.

P.S. And a tiny lesson about blogs for a certain someone… this is MY blog… I can discuss whatever I choose to here. Period.