Sometimes No Matter How Hard You Try…You still fail miserably.
I never get too serious here at my scratching post because it’s usually more entertaining to write about the good or the funny. Today is not one of those days.
I never write about my childhood much. Mostly because it sucked. I had a mom with a severe mental illness that prevented her from being a nurturing mother, but instead an abusive monster. I feared her. I was shamed by her. The experience left me adamant that I wouldn’t ever have children, just on the off chance that I would be cursed with her illness and mostly, because I had no confidence that I would be any good at being a mother.
As with a lot of plans, things don’t always go as you intend. So I did have a child, and I have never known anything that resembles the love a parent has for a child. I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t be the mother I had. I haven’t been.
Yet I find myself in a place I don’t understand. Ashlyn ran away tonight. Because I hold her accountable for her actions, or inactions and I refuse to bend to her will. To me, a good mother, will protect her child from harm, even if that means protecting them from themselves.
She has found herself safe harbor from me and my requirement that she be responsible and accountable for her actions in the home of her boyfriend’s mother. I suppose at least, I should be thankful she’s not out roaming the streets. I’m not finding myself able to be thankful that this woman I’ve never met thinks she knows more about what’s best for my daughter than I do. I think she’s got some balls to interfere in my family like this. But, Ashlyn’s 18, so there’s nothing I can do about it except give Ashlyn what she wants, to let her fly on her own without the interference of mom, but also without the safety net of mom.
Every action, has a reaction. I know Ashlyn hasn’t thought this through, but what she did today cannot be undone. I will never see her the way I did before nor will she see me the same. It is changed, irreversibly. I am changed. I have had two failed marriages. I have been fired from a job I loved. I failed to complete college. I have never felt as defeated as I do right now.
I’ve always been big on having a plan. I have no plan now and I feel like my path is so unclear. I fear for Ashlyn, because I know what she doesn’t know about life and how you can’t just do whatever. This is not my plan. Instead of looking forward to her graduation in 4 weeks, I now dread it. I do not know if she will get there and as of now, I have no plan to be there if she does. I cannot condone or support her actions.
Despite my good intentions, I have failed.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:32 am
I run the risk of saying the wrong thing at a time when you need not condemnation but support. But there is one thing I feel I must say - you should go to her graduation (should she make there). I feel this is necessary because 1) she’s still your daughter, 2) you love HER and support HER right to make her own decisions (even if they conflict with your teachings), and 3) you might and probably WILL regret NOT going and there is enough guilt for a mother to feel without adding a she vs. me conflict to it.
I offer no other words save to say that I think we, as parents, fear that our kids will make a bad decision that will irreversible change the course of their lives. We can only do so much to give them a strong foundation, a moral compass as it were; if they stray from that, we can only hope they don’t stray far or for very long.
I don’t know the situation, but from an outsider’s point of view, perhaps her boyfriend’s mother doesn’t see herself as interfering. Perhaps she thinks she’s helping Ashlyn from making an even bigger mistake by being on the streets; I dunno. Either way, I’m so sorry that you have to feel this pain, and I wish there were more I could do for you. Try to stay strong; believe that Ashlyn will come back to you, and you will be ready with an open heart and open arms to welcome her.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:43 am
P.S. - what do I know? I’m not a mother to a teenage daughter yet.
May 10th, 2008 at 7:12 am
I consider you my friend even if we don’t know each other extremely well.
If you need to talk, need a long-distance shoulder to lean on or anything else you can count on me to help or just listen.
I don’t have a teenage daughter but I was the fubar-ed teenage daughter of an abusive, mentally-ill mother and can understand your thinking probably moreso than a lot of people could.
I am here if you need me via email or only a phone call away.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
We are struck by how sad you sound and how you are calling yourself a failure. We would like to remind you that, while this is not the path that you wanted your parenting to take, it doesn’t mean that you have failed. Nor does it mean that you are a failure.
We hope that you find your way out of this hole you have dug yourself into and that things end up working out.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
You’re hardly a failure. But Ashlyn is ashlyn, you know how she is the best. But yeah, she doesn’t know what she’s doing and acting on the moment. Of course, I don’t know the entire situation so I cna’t really say much about it.
But things have a way of working out.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
First of all, you have not failed AND you are not your mother!!
So, please don’t give up on her our yourself. Like Yosh said, things definitely have a way of working out, but you’ve got to try to hang in there. Ashlyn is being a teen right now and unfortunately there is no way to control that or her behaviour.
You will get through this cuz you’re strong. If anything, she needs you prolly more now than ever especially to kick her in her tuckus!
I send you tons of bear hugs!
May 10th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Ammy - Ashlyn’s behavior no more makes you a failure as a mother than you turning out to be the well-adjusted, intelligent, funny and sweet person you are means that your mother was a success.
I know your Mom and your Dad and you and Ashlyn. All of you. I certainly don’t consider you to be a failure and I hate to see you getting the crap end of the stick here because you don’t deserve it any more than my parents deserved it when I messed up in my teens. It will all come around to me when my little ones get up into their teens and a I really feel that a lot of this is normal (a lot of it, but not all of it, mind you), though this whole deal w/ “the boyfriend’s mother” is adding a flavor to the whole thing that makes me want to drive over there and …… well, i’m old now so i’d prolly just tell her to suck it as opposed to pipe-bombing her car. But I’d tell her to suck it with extreme malice!!!! : )
So…..I’ll call you again later. Let’s talk about what we can do, should do, can’t do or shouldn’t do. I’ve been thinking about you today and I’m proud of you Ammy. : ) Hang in there. I’ll see you at the graduation.
May 11th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
What a tough situation. I don’t think you’re a failure. Kids screw up sometimes. I hope everything works out for the best.
May 13th, 2008 at 9:54 am
You are correct…there is a time when you have to let them go out and make their own mistakes. I have dealt with it with my 21 year old…
Recently, he made a decision that shows me that though it all…his mistakes, my mistakes, his mom’s mistakes…the good, the bad and the ugly, he has turned into an incredible young man.
You can not be a failure because your child has decided to go out into the world and ’show you better’…
I agree with Songbird… GO TO THE GRADUATION…
In 5-years, you will regret it if you do not.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Don’t call yourself a failure. Even if that’s what you believe, no one else thinks that. Not even Ashlyn. I know her, maybe not that well, but well enough to know that she’s got a head on her shoulders. If she’s not using it at the moment then she’ll figure it out and set things right.
And also remember that she reads this web site. It’s probably the first thing she did when she got where she was heading and probably continued to do so till you posted. Don’t play the guilt card. Just be honest. I wish my parents had been more honest with me sometimes instead of trying to force me with guilt.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I think anyone who knows you in any facet knows you are in no way a failure.
Teenagers are notoriously selfish, short-sighted and think they know everything there is to know about everything.
All in all this sounds like her actions hit all 3 of those right on the mark.
We all know teenagers pretty much run off emotion and rarely think past themselves to wonder about what their actions will bring them tomorrow or next week. Many don’t consider what their actions will do to others around them. Everything is so magnified. A simple refusal to give one something they want turns into huge drama and the parent turns into the.worst.parent.that.ever.lived because they didnt give in to the teenagers demands.
Yeah, we’ve all seen it. Probably done a little bit of it ourselves when we were that age. But, even having been through it, it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. Especially when you are talking about something like this. While I know she is 18 and can technically ‘do what she wants’, that still doesn’t give her nor anyone else the right to hurt people with thoughtless and pretty much gutless actions. In my opinion, it doesn’t take a whole lot of guts to run out when no one is home nor talk it through with you like an ‘Adult’ and leave you on your own to figure out what happened. Right now I’m sure she is all shits and giggles that she thinks she is getting away with something. At some point it is going to hit her like a brick wall that she really f’d up. Hopefully you will be in a position to forgive her when that happens, but I have to be honest and say I understand if you aren’t.
As far as the graduation goes, I vote for going. At least you can say you went because you still support her, even if she decides she is still going to be selfish and doesn’t show up.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Ammy,
When you were at UCA you were around your daughter’s age. As much as I absolutely thought the world of you, I wasn’t always sure of your decisions and I certainly wanted you to stay in school when you decided to leave.
When you made your choices you did not have a supportive mother to fall back on. Even though I’m sure you are feeling shattered right now, your daughter grew up with something you did not have.
Remember that you have a lot of friends behind you and that we are always here to help you.
Brian
June 2nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
youre not a failure…go check your email.
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:54 am
Stopping in to see what has happened since your last post and I see an olive branch has been extended.
I hope you and Ashlyn work this all out.
June 7th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Yay for a message from Ashlyn. See, Ammy? You’re not a failure - you heard it from her herself.
June 7th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Hi, I just linked to you from technorati. I’m so sorry for the turmoil you are going through right now, but I have to say I fully agree with what Ashlyn’s Dad had to say. He sounds like he might be a level headed source to talk to about your daughter. I’m sure the boyfriend’s mom is hearing only one side of the story and doesn’t want your daughter out on the streets…maybe she doesn’t realize she is enabling your daughter’s behavior. I hope everything works itself out!!
June 8th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
ah ha. but what you are not seeing…is my side. and since i cant get through to you via email. thanks for showing up at graduation… im sure ken enjoyed his seat too… :\
June 9th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Ashlyn….keep trying…
Tigger….the door seems open
June 26th, 2008 at 2:20 am
I’m feeling for you! And don’t call it failure yet - keep trying!
July 13th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Hopefully you two can work it out. Life is too precious to live with regrets. Take it from someone who lost her mother at 22 and every day since then wishes for just a few more hours to make it all better.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Keep trying. My cousin ran away for almost 2 month when she was 16. Eventually she came home because her mother never stopped talking to her and being as involved as she could. Sometimes it does work.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:17 am
I landed up on your blog by chance and couldnt help but say - if your intentions are good, you will never fail. Also it is never too late to restart work on a new plan with a fresh outlook.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
despite this being my first time to your blog, but my sympathies are with you. Cheer up cause while there maybe frustrations in life, what makes us even more interesting as human beings, is that we choose not to give up. Life is short and you are doing what you can as a mother.. to the best intentions that you can for your daughter… as a rebellious daughter to some extent.. i can relate to why she would want to be away…. but give it time.. as much as you are her parent.. i think sometimes it’s necessary for us young ones to learn how to grow up our own way….
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.. God Bless!