Three Most Painful Words on Earth…
“How are you?” … a seemingly innocuous question. That question, guts me now. Because do you lie and say, “I’m fine, thanks!” When you’re not… or do you give them the biggest buzzkill of their day by telling them, someone that close to you is gone? Which of course, brings the inevitable “How” question… and then the “If there’s anything I can do…” which people mean very sincerely…don’t think I’m getting all cynical here, I’m not… I’m grateful for the love and support that my REAL friends have shown. Not so grateful, for the BS I’ve gotten from some jerks… Just a side note… people who’ve just lost their husband…aren’t so interested in hearing how hot they are. Yes, that’s happened. Yes, my mouth was hung open, like yours is likely to be right now reading that. But there ISN’T anything, ANYONE can do…except listen to you cry, or make you eat when that’s the last thing you want to do, or go with you to the places you “used to go” and help hold you together when it’s just too much to take. I’m not bitter, even though I am sure I sound that way right now…I’m just unbelievably heartbroken. Well, maybe I am a little bit bitter…but not with the world in general or it’s populace…just with the situation.
Because the worldwide memo didn’t get circulated immediately upon Ken’s death, I still find myself in the position of greeting people I haven’t seen who don’t know… like today… I just went for my 2 month checkup with the surgeon that did my spinal fusion in February. Of course, they didn’t know… I had planned on just not mentioning it…and made it through the nurse with the “I’m fine. The kids are fine. Yes it’s really hot” routine. Then the doctor comes in…and apparently his bedside manner is too good, and as soon as the “How are you?” left his mouth and he looked at me… he knew, the LAST thing I am is fine. So he tells me, rather than asking, “You’re not fine, what’s the matter?” I, thinking my “I’m fine” act is well honed by now, ask him, is it on my face? To which he replied that I’m normally bubbly and energetic and it’s clear, I’m not. So I tell him…and manage to make it through the rest of the appointment without bursting into tears, thank God. Not so much on the way back to the office.
I know it’s going to take time…but I don’t see how I am ever going to be not lying when I say “I’m fine.” These are the cards I’m dealt, and I have to play them. It’s just hard to do that, when all I feel like doing is saying “I fold.” I hate being so depressed, and so depressing… I’m sorry.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
There should be a place of unconditional hugs. Somewhere you can go that they hug you and don’t need a hug back. Stay in the game, and avoid the perverts and heart thieves, amiga. Either you’ll get through this, or we’ll all get you through it. Promise.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Don’t apologize. My best advice would be to come up with a standard response that does not invite further conversation. When people ask me who I’m feeling, and I’m clearly NOT feeling well, I just say, “Hangin’ in there, thanks” and move the conversation along. You have control over how you respond, my friend; take control and move the conversation along. Every single time you get past a tough hurdle, it will start to get easier the next time around.
Get over that you might be ‘lying’ about how you’re feeling. The best way to get through each situation is to ‘lie’ a bit to them (and yourself) by saying, “Hangin’ in there.” The next step is to say, “So, how did that thing with your neighbor turn out? Did they stop throwing garbage over the fence?” Keep the conversation moving forward and AWAY from you.
Good luck, and hang in there. *smile*
June 29th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I think Desert Songbird has a point. I worked with a lovely woman who used to say when she was not her best, “Well I’m not my best today. How are you?” That sort of put the question back to the other person and gave her time to share–or not she so choose. You aren’t lying but you aren’t telling everything either!
Depression isn’t easy but it’s normal for what you are going through. Don’t feel like you have to be anything other than what you are and you don’t have to move along at any certain time frame. This is your process and you are the only one you have to answer to.
June 29th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Mommy, I love you.
July 4th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
There’s no need to apologize. What you’re trying to adjust to is unimaginably difficult. Just take your time.