Want vs. Need and a Warning
I’m afraid. One of those afraids you see in horror movies when you know that the killer is just around the bend about to pounce, and you freeze. But, since I am an adult and live in the real world, I know I have to move or just stand by and watch it happen. That can’t happen. So I have to be afraid, but do what I NEED to do despite my fears, instead of what I would like to do.
Sometimes life hands you options, sometimes it hands you ONE option. This is one of those one option situation. I cannot continue to pay over $1k a month to keep us all insured, the job market in Myrtle Beach doesn’t make it at all possible to stay here. So even though I WANT to stay here until the kids are out of school, I needed to find an opportunity where I could provide for us without having to live every moment of my life filled with dread that my house of cards would fall with any passing breeze. To that end I’ve found a position that is going to require us to move. Move before me or the kids want to, before I’m ready to do all the things that come with dealing with your spouse’s belongings after they pass, before I’m ready to leave the good memories behind me, before I WANT to go. This means I have to do all those things while it is breaking my heart to do so in so many ways it is nearly paralyzed with fear and adding more sadness to one that already feels like it’s killing me. This has left me unconsolable. I so much wish Ken were here to hold me and reassure me that everything’s going to be ok. Of course, if he WERE here, I wouldn’t have to make the decisions I’ve made, or make miracles happen in 5 weeks time…but if we did have to do that, I would find comfort in doing it together…we could make things happen when we needed to.
I know I need to suck it up and get things done…I just don’t WANT to. Therein lies the difference between being the adult and being a kid. Kids are so often motivated by what they want opposed to their needs. As a parent, you want to give your kids everything they want that isn’t harmful to them. But sometimes you just can’t, no matter how much it tears you apart. Staying here, in our situation, would be harmful to my ability to provide for us. My only solace is in knowing that someday when they have kids and are faced with life’s hard decisions to do things you need, instead of satiating wants, they’ll understand why decisions have to be made that aren’t always palatable. So I’m scared, I’m alone before I should be, I pray for the strength to do all that needs done, to get it done timely, for speed bumps to be surmountable and for my heart not die in the process.
And now for the warning… my husband died after a car accident…after we’d had an arguement of epic proportions…but, there weren’t any traumatic injuries resulting from the accident and toxicology tests had to be done. His heart had been racing for a few days so he’d gone to the doctor that day and gotten a prescription for Xanax when they couldn’t find any issues with his heart. When the reports came back this week…it showed that he had only the meds he was supposed to have, at the levels they were supposed to be at, in his system. The coroner and pathologist determined that Ken had End Stage Liver Disease. When you are in End Stage Liver Disease, your liver can’t filter out the toxins that your body naturally needs to expel, meds will affect you and poisons resulting from them stay in your system, your body eventually starts to poison your other organs including your brain which can cause you to have mood swings and display erratic behavior… Of course, they asked me if he drank heavily, he didn’t. He just finished a bottle of Crown Royal I gave him for Christmas over 5 years ago. Then came the next question…”Did he take a lot of acetominiphen or ibuprofen?” That’s when the light went on, Ken had a bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin in his computer bag, his office, his truck, the kitchen, our bathroom and on our headboard. He took them whenever he felt the slightest headache or felt any kind of ache. The warning is right there on the labels that it can cause liver disease. I never gave any thought to how much he took, but looking back, all I can visualize and hear in my mind is the rattle of the bottle, seeing me handing them to him, remembering how often I did see him take it, knowing that he took a lot of it that I didn’t see. Ken never went to the Dr. for anything. He’d only gone on Monday because the heart racing wouldn’t stop. I can count on one hand the number of times he went to the Dr. in the last 10 years because he wasn’t feeling well…so all through the last six months or so of his life his body has been tearing itself apart before our eyes, disguised…sadly I’m now seeing things and understanding some whys that I was oblivious to before. My warning is this…if you are, like me, one of those people that take 4 Advils when you have a headache, don’t. If you find yourself taking Tylenol or Excedrin all the time, don’t. It CAN kill you. My other warning is, don’t ever let yourself be so mad at people you love that you part with them angry, saying things you know in your heart you don’t really mean…and if someone you love starts to behave oddly, and it doesn’t resolve itself quickly, don’t assume that it’s because they are just changing…it’s far better to get them to go the Dr. and get checked out, than to lose them.
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I hope that people listen to your story about your husband’s taking pain relievers and what happened. What a horrible way for things to end for you. I am sorry that you have to live with you last memory of your husband being one of anger. What horrible burden to have to bear. I hope that someday you can offer yourself compassion and understand that sometimes it is human to be angry and you can let go of that burden.
Things will look up again some day. Good thoughts and hopes for you.
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Where do I start? *heavy, mournful sigh*
I wish I had some magic words of advice and comfort. You and I have hashed and rehashed this, as I’m sure you have with friends and family. You are an intelligent individual who knows the difference between “want” and need.” And you know what NEEDS to be done. Have you discussed these with your kids? Do they know the difficult situation in which you all live, and do they fully understand that sacrifices need to be made by not just you but by all of them, too? I think if you talk to the kids honestly, while they might not like the situation, they will understand what needs to be done for the best. Trust, my friend, that they will stand with you.
As for the medication warning, you know that I get my blood tested regularly because of the possibility of liver injury due to the use of one of my medication. My intake of Tylenol is very regulated because I know how easy it is to damage my liver. I endure a lot of pain because I’m paranoid about taking too much Tylenol.
You cannot continue to live with so much guilt about your supposed role in Ken’s death. He was an adult, and he made his own decisions. You need to make the decisions for yourself and the kids based on what the situation is NOW.
Good luck my friend. I’ll pray for you, and I hope you find peace of heart. Let me know if I can help in any way.
August 24th, 2009 at 1:35 am
I come here from Desert Songbird. I feel for your loss and just hope that you can get past all of this and not feel any guilt. You need to be open and honest with your kids and work on all of this as a family unit. I know this is a hard time and a very difficult situation, but in times like these, this is when you have to be the strongest. Life is too short not to and it moves on, with or without you and the worst thing is to be left behind thinking I should have done this or I should have done that. My thoughts are with you
Aloha
August 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am
It has been so long since I have visited and I came over because Songbird said she had a friend in need. Not knowing whose site I would end up with, I clicked the link anyway.
I am so sad for your lose…what a tragic chain of events.
I see a Doctor every six months…every six months they take blood and do a complete workup.
To think that,= Ken was having these problems without knowing is scary, but you also can not be held accountable. Simplistic I know, but now you need to be the rock for your kids and if that means having to move, so be it.]
They might rebel in the beginning, but eventually they will understand it was for the family that you did these things
Many blessings to you and the children.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:33 am
I’m so sorry for your lost and the difficult decisions you had to make recently. And thanks for the warning. I popped way too many pills when I have headaches or back problems. And I really should get a physical since I had not one in almost 20 years. I guess I just take things for granted when it comes to my health.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I have been struggling lately with want vs. need myself. It is not easy. And when I was growing up, my mother made a lot of tough decisions, and even though I didn’t truly understand all about it back then, I did know that she would always do the best she could for me. And your kids do too, I promise.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I too came via Songbird.
your story is so poignant…thank you for telling it…I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to write it out…and hope that in the telling you have some healing.
My prayers for you and your kids.
I suspect you will see the better side of this time.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Came by via Songbird. Obviously a tough set of circumstances for you at the moment. I wish you well and hope that you find comfort in your kids. It’s impossible to understand why these sorts of things happen. In time you will be even stronger and able to help others in need from the strength you will develop. Good luck to you
August 26th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Oh Tigg you have my condolances. What a hard spot to find yourself in during such a hard time. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I’m so sorry you face not only this difficult loss, but also so many life-altering decisions for you and your family.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:36 am
I saw Songbird’s post and responded. Pain and grief can be overwhelming. My dad died when I was 21, my husband at 30, and my son-in-law four years ago. My husband was in an accident, but my SIL (whom I loved as a son) was addicted to pain meds. He’d had two hip replacements and came to rely on pain pills. He was also a recovering alcoholic, so the meds exacerbated the symptoms, as did the massive doses of Tylenol.
We all adored him and it was a horrible loss. Unfortunately, we learned about the facts about Tylenol and it’s chemical relationship to heroin. Thank you for having the strength to speak out. And please, don’t put the blame on your shoulders.
My daughter remarried this July, but if you’d asked her four years ago, she wouldn’t have thought it possible.
May God’s blessings rest upon you and your precious children as you prepare to walk a new path.
~~~Blessings~~~