starting over
Sometimes starting over is easy…sometimes it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I’m falling into Category B, I think. When I think about the last 7.75 months…yes, it’s already been that long…I think about how far I’ve come after the singlemost difficult day of my life. But, I also think about how far I’ve yet to go to reach what I think is a normal life. Now, don’t read this wrong, this isn’t a “woe is me, life sucks and I don’t know what to do” post. The fact is, I don’t know what to do all the time, but I’m ok with that. I don’t think there’s any one of us out here struggling through this thing we call life that always knows 100% of the time the right thing to do. Hell, sometimes we get doing the wrong thing, wrong. LOL
I am in a strange place right now. Trying to figure out what I want from life, what’s going to make ME happy when I’ve been focused on everyone else for over 20 years. It’s really much, MUCH, easier to focus on everyone else around you instead of directing that glaring eye at the person looking back at you in the mirror. I’ve gotten slapped squarely on the face since Ken’s death but I lived through it. In the end, I now believe that how things will turn out will be for the best. For ME anyway…the other parties, I’m not so sure. That’s now beyond my control so I’ve chosen to let go of the worry that comes with that.
I have one regret over the last couple months, and only one, which isn’t so bad all things considered. I hurt someone I care about, by doing what I thought was best for me at the time. I still think it was probably what was best for me, it was how I handled it that I wish I could get a do-over for. I let think, replace feel which is counter to everything that this past year has taught me. Feelings, right or wrong, I truly believe are most important. It is never wrong to be caring. EVER. Even if someone doesn’t seem to deserve it. I don’t know how to fix this one, or even if I should. So, I’ll just let it be up to the fates to decide I guess.
I’ve got to start taking better care of me, inside and out. I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat right, I don’t give myself enough of a break mentally or emotionally. I need to mother me, as a good friend so accurately pointed out to me today. So that’s what I’m going to focus on. That, and finally getting my house in order. I just haven’t had any motivation to finish it.
So, I’m going to use my blog to chronicle the reconstruction of tiggerprr. Starting tonight, I’m taking a class online to work on getting my A+ Certification…so that’s partways towards taking care of my mind. More later…or I’ll be late to my first class. 
January 11th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
I think you need a new look.
Just saying.
January 11th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
Are you talking about my blog, or me?
January 11th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
LOl you’re blog. you look fine the last i saw you. I was talking about the theme hehe
January 11th, 2010 at 9:38 pm
Yeah, the theme needs to update for nested comments too
January 11th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Hmmmm…. I think redoing MY look would be easier. LOL
January 12th, 2010 at 10:06 am
Taking care of others IS easier than taking care of oneself. We fight against being selfish our entire adult lives, and yet, when we know we should be more “selfish,” it goes against our nature. The irony is, if one does not nurture oneself, it is difficult to nurture others. We cannot be true to others when we are not true to ourselves.
Part of that comes with forgiving oneself for perceived or even obvious wrongs. I think with your accepting that you did something that was “wrong” even though at the time you felt you were right is a move in the correct direction. You’ve experienced so much in the past several months. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You’re doing the best you can.