tiggerprr’s scratching post

For some reason, probably many reasons actually…I feel like I’m dying. I’m spent. It’s not easy, pretending that everything’s okay when you are truthfully about as far away from okay as you can be. But, I’ve become a pro at it.

There are times when I wish that I could just feel everything all at once, all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness just to get it the hell over with. There are times, when I feel like I AM feeling everything all at once. This is one of those times. It’s maddening and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I’m so tired of my heart feeling like a brick.

A light bulb going out in my closet nearly sent me over the edge. Little things like that are reminders of exactly how much things have changed in my life. I’ve always been the kind of girl that felt like it was important to be independant, that I could do anything, and didn’t need anyone to help me. I CAN do anything for myself…but that’s not the point. I don’t WANT to do everything. I miss having someone here to change that lightbulb, to ask me what’s for dinner, to smile with me on the good days and hold me on the bad. It makes me so angry that he’s not here, so angry at myself for wasting time that we could have spent doing things together and not doing them. I’m angry that I’m the one that’s still here, feeling everything. I’m angry that I’m the one that had to watch our home and our family we worked so hard to give a life to, get dismantled piece by piece. But I can’t even wish it was me that was gone, because that would bring this pain to other people who mean everything to me and I wouldn’t want that either.

I know that all these feelings are “normal”. But being normal, doesn’t make them hurt any less nor does it make pretending that everything’s ok any easier. I just want it to end. Now. I’m so tired of pretending…