tiggerprr’s scratching post

When life hands you lemons…make lemonade.

Exactly one year ago, this very minute, I was learning of Ken’s death and that my family’s world was irrevocably changed. I often wondered how I would make it through a day, much less a year. They say that the first year after such a loss is the hardest. It sure wasn’t easy. I’ve written about some of the events that have transpired during the last 365 days, some good, some bad, some REALLY bad. I can honestly say that at the end of it all, I am a happier person, not BECAUSE it happened, but DESPITE it happening. It didn’t destroy me, when it could have. I’ve done things that I didn’t think I’d be able to do on my own…and I’ve done some things I couldn’t have on my own without the aid and love of friends and family and through God’s grace.

Probably the most valuable lesson I’ve learned is that time is precious and unpredictable. If you are feeling something, you should let it be known. We always say “Life’s too short…” but how many of us actually stop and practice life (because let’s face it that’s all we’re doing, practicing…none of us have it down pat) with that philosophy? I’ve been hard at work, once I got moved and settled, to embrace that philosophy. To tell the people who mean something to me, that they do. To live, to laugh and to love, fully with wreckless abandon. My life is fuller now than before, because of it. There have been huge losses and prices to pay for that and I think about those all the time, but sometimes truly, things have to get far, far worse before they get better. And sometimes, the thing that’s best for you, seems like the worst thing ever. The things we’re most afraid of, we should face head on. Situations that aren’t healthy for us, we need to find the strength to let go of. People who we love, we need to express it to…and we should be thankful for that which we have, not remorseful of the things that we do not.

I’ve had to say goodbye to more people than Ken. Some by my choice, some against it…and I think about those people all the time even still, hoping for the best but accepting that change isn‘t always by our choice.

We are never guaranteed tomorrow…but now, I look forward to waking up every day to see what life has in store for me…to see the people who make my heart smile, and oh how it’s smiling.

Embrace your life…the good, the bad, the ugly. You only get one, live it well and fully. Drink your lemonade.

When we’re confronted with the turns that life’s road makes that lead us down a dark and dusty path, it’s really easy to allow it to consume you. It’d be simple to allow your soul to slip into a world of sadness and despair, anger and bitterness, loneliness and isolation…and who could blame you really? I’m not just speaking of death, though that’s my dark path for now…it could be something as simple as your job not being what you need it to be, your relationships not being what they could be (romantic ones, co-workers, even with your children) or even your relationship with your health as that’s often an unrelenting struggle for some of us. What gets lost sometimes, are the blessings that come from those hard times and situations.

Yes, there ARE blessings to be found in even the most dire moments of our lives. For me, those blessings come in the form of my children, in whom I see an unbelieveable strength and kindness as they help me, help us, try to move forward with life, as we MUST do. Simple gifts, like coming home to them, giving the house a good cleaning up without being asked to do so, or giving me a hug when I look like I need one, to expressing love more often and compassion. My other blessing of light in this darkness is the huge number of friends, both friends I know in real life and whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, yet. I have been overwhelmed by the support and kindness of so many people who have no motive to help me as a friend, just BEING my friends and lending an ear, or words of encouragement or giving me something to do so that I don’t feel so dreadfully alone as I do at times. These things and people, give me hope that it’s ok to live, it’s ok to laugh, it’s ok to look towards the future, albeit a different future than the one I had planned.

These blessings are a gift…they comfort and assure me that though I am navigating a dark and scary path…that my kids and I are not walking it alone. For that, I thank you.

And so the next chapter of our lives begin… the one where we find the paths to happiness again.

Today was the first holiday (already) without Ken. I wanted to be certain that we acknowledged the day and I came up with the most meaningful way I could think of for us to express ourselves and our feelings. It’s real important to me that we keep him alive in our hearts and memory. I also think it’s good therapy for the kids, and for me really.

What I suggested was that we each write him a letter or a card for Father’s Day. We then tied them to balloons for release up to the heavens. We took them to the beach he’d started to spend his lunches at, in the hopes that our messages would find him there. I like to think they did anyway. Ashlyn had to work all day, and wanted to speak to Ken in her own way so she didn’t accompany us. And that’s ok, because we all express our grief and feelings differently and in our own time.

Kenzie & Coby preparing for the balloon release

The release...

After we sent them into the air, we watched them until we could no longer see them and then had lunch at his favorite beachside restaurant here in Myrtle Beach, Damon’s Grill. The view of the ocean is spectacular there, and of course, the food is USUALLY great. The kids had fun reminding me of a time we went there that wasn’t so great. I must be getting old, or I have selective amnesia, because I really didn’t remember a bad time there…then they finally said something that sparked my memory of that one time.

To the heavens and beyond...

I’m really hoping that the kids are finding some comfort in these things. I am honestly doing the best that know how to help everyone, and myself, deal with these feelings. But, there’s really not a “how to” book out there that encompasses everyone for this situation… I just hope that Ken can see us…and that he can feel our hearts, heavy as they might be.

Good lord, it took me from when I got home this evening until just now to get all the photos organized, uploaded and captioned! I hope you enjoy them. I found that due to early onset Alzheimer’s, I have forgotten what some of the pictures were…Sorry.

Click “The Waving Girl” to see all of our trip photos in full size!

If you ever get the chance to visit Savannah, you should go!

One guess… more to follow soon!

It’s a new TV show on ABC…it’s really good. You should watch it.

I’m really enjoying American Idol this year. I really wish that Kristy Lee Cook girl would have gone home for her crime against “8 Days a Week”.

Life keeps going by so fast and I seriously doubt any of you would be interested in what I have to say. Oddly, that’s where I was before I started to blog back in 2006…so maybe you WOULD be interested.

Ashlyn got accepted to the college of her choice. She’ll be staying at home, at least for the first year, since it’s just down the street a few miles. I hope she sticks with it and finishes her degree. Now we just await the end of her Senior year. She goes to her senior trip next month, 4 days at Disneyworld in Orlando. Lucky her, I didn’t choose to be a chaperone. LOL

Insomnia is still a part of my daily life. I am going to have a sleep study done next Friday. Of course, that begs the question…how can they do a sleep study on me, if I don’t really sleep? Hmmmm…

In case you were wondering where Canadians go for vacation…it’s Myrtle Beach. I’ve been trying to think of sneaky ways to get them to say “aboot”…but so far, I’ve not been successful.