tiggerprr’s scratching post

For some reason, probably many reasons actually…I feel like I’m dying. I’m spent. It’s not easy, pretending that everything’s okay when you are truthfully about as far away from okay as you can be. But, I’ve become a pro at it.

There are times when I wish that I could just feel everything all at once, all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness just to get it the hell over with. There are times, when I feel like I AM feeling everything all at once. This is one of those times. It’s maddening and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I’m so tired of my heart feeling like a brick.

A light bulb going out in my closet nearly sent me over the edge. Little things like that are reminders of exactly how much things have changed in my life. I’ve always been the kind of girl that felt like it was important to be independant, that I could do anything, and didn’t need anyone to help me. I CAN do anything for myself…but that’s not the point. I don’t WANT to do everything. I miss having someone here to change that lightbulb, to ask me what’s for dinner, to smile with me on the good days and hold me on the bad. It makes me so angry that he’s not here, so angry at myself for wasting time that we could have spent doing things together and not doing them. I’m angry that I’m the one that’s still here, feeling everything. I’m angry that I’m the one that had to watch our home and our family we worked so hard to give a life to, get dismantled piece by piece. But I can’t even wish it was me that was gone, because that would bring this pain to other people who mean everything to me and I wouldn’t want that either.

I know that all these feelings are “normal”. But being normal, doesn’t make them hurt any less nor does it make pretending that everything’s ok any easier. I just want it to end. Now. I’m so tired of pretending…

Sometimes starting over is easy…sometimes it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I’m falling into Category B, I think. When I think about the last 7.75 months…yes, it’s already been that long…I think about how far I’ve come after the singlemost difficult day of my life. But, I also think about how far I’ve yet to go to reach what I think is a normal life. Now, don’t read this wrong, this isn’t a “woe is me, life sucks and I don’t know what to do” post. The fact is, I don’t know what to do all the time, but I’m ok with that. I don’t think there’s any one of us out here struggling through this thing we call life that always knows 100% of the time the right thing to do. Hell, sometimes we get doing the wrong thing, wrong. LOL

I am in a strange place right now. Trying to figure out what I want from life, what’s going to make ME happy when I’ve been focused on everyone else for over 20 years. It’s really much, MUCH, easier to focus on everyone else around you instead of directing that glaring eye at the person looking back at you in the mirror. I’ve gotten slapped squarely on the face since Ken’s death but I lived through it. In the end, I now believe that how things will turn out will be for the best. For ME anyway…the other parties, I’m not so sure. That’s now beyond my control so I’ve chosen to let go of the worry that comes with that.

I have one regret over the last couple months, and only one, which isn’t so bad all things considered. I hurt someone I care about, by doing what I thought was best for me at the time. I still think it was probably what was best for me, it was how I handled it that I wish I could get a do-over for. I let think, replace feel which is counter to everything that this past year has taught me. Feelings, right or wrong, I truly believe are most important. It is never wrong to be caring. EVER. Even if someone doesn’t seem to deserve it. I don’t know how to fix this one, or even if I should. So, I’ll just let it be up to the fates to decide I guess.

I’ve got to start taking better care of me, inside and out. I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat right, I don’t give myself enough of a break mentally or emotionally. I need to mother me, as a good friend so accurately pointed out to me today. So that’s what I’m going to focus on. That, and finally getting my house in order. I just haven’t had any motivation to finish it.

So, I’m going to use my blog to chronicle the reconstruction of tiggerprr. Starting tonight, I’m taking a class online to work on getting my A+ Certification…so that’s partways towards taking care of my mind. More later…or I’ll be late to my first class.

2009 sucked ass in so many ways it’s not even funny so I will dispense with recapping it or adding to the suckfest. 2010 has not started off great either due to some craziness and some self-inflicted sadness for my greater good. But that’s…okay. If I learned anything this past year, it’s that no matter what happens, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

I moved away from blogging a couple years ago because I’d gotten a new job and then Ken’s kids moved in with us, causing me not to have the time you really need to have to devote to blogging as it should be done. The honest truth is, now I have nothing but time and a lot on my heart both happy and sad that probably could be served by writing about them.

So that’s what the title of this blog post means…not my renewal…though that’s what blogging will most assuredly become a part of…but instead, the renewal of Tiggerprr’s Scratching Post. I may never again build the following I had before, but that’s ok…I don’t need to be popular. I need the therapy and camaraderie that blogging provides. I’ve missed you, bloggy friends…I’ve missed you, blog. I’m home.

This move has been a life lesson for sure. Hell, this YEAR has been a life lesson. As new people come into my life and old ones return, I’ve been learning lately about simple math. Not the addition, subtraction, multiplication kind… we all know I suck at that. But instead, whether or not people add things to your life or take them away. Some people do neither.

So I’ve been thinking a lot today about that. Am I adding anything to my friend’s lives? Are they adding anything to mine? Do I have to keep certain people in my life, just because they’re there? The answer to the last question, is no. I like to think that I add something, even something small, to those I have interactions with. It’s definitely something to work towards, being a better person and all. There are a few people I wonder about whether or not they should be allowed to be a part of my life. I think I know the answers to those questions, but it’s hard sometimes when you like them. Some people are just toxic though…and when you’ve been through the hell that’s been my life this year, you really need to surround yourself with lightness instead of darkness and drama. It’s a tough thing to put into action though, when you’re a fixer, like me. I want to fix everyone’s problems and unhappiness. All that’s ever gotten me is unhappiness and frustration because people need to want to be better people on their own, not because you’d like them to be or even when you need them to be.

I need to get better at setting boundaries with people. People can only do to you, what you let them do. So that’s my me project for now…setting boundaries and limitations on behaviour, both mine and others who I choose to let into my circle. Thinking about what I’m adding to others and who’s adding to me…and who’s not.

P.S. And a tiny lesson about blogs for a certain someone… this is MY blog… I can discuss whatever I choose to here. Period.

Wow, can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve posted. So much has happened…moved to Arkansas…had to pick a different house (long dumb story with a happy ending ~ I hope), Kenzie decided after 4 days of not trying to go live with Ken’s Mom, I didn’t stop her against my better judgement…you can’t make someone who insists on being miserable, and insists on everyone else joining them in their misery, try…Coby and I are staying in an extended stay hotel until the house closes next week. The finish line is in sight, at least as far as the house is concerned. Coby’s done a great job of trying to fit in and making friends already.

I’ve seen some really great friends and hope that it’s just the beginning of a happier life than the one we’ve been leading for the last 5 months. I can’t help but realize that Ken is watching us from where he is, and though I KNOW he’s not thrilled with some of the things that have transpired, I hope he understands, and I think he would. My life can’t be led in the shadow of a ghost or second guessing what I already know would be his wish. He’d want me, really want all of us, to be happy no matter the cost to dreams or hopes we shared.

I’ve found that some things, never change…and some things, change drastically…but in the end it all works out, even if it’s not as you planned or hoped for. It’s a simple lesson really, amazing that it takes 40+ years and a major life event to learn it.

I choose happiness…no matter what life throws at me.

I’m afraid. One of those afraids you see in horror movies when you know that the killer is just around the bend about to pounce, and you freeze. But, since I am an adult and live in the real world, I know I have to move or just stand by and watch it happen. That can’t happen. So I have to be afraid, but do what I NEED to do despite my fears, instead of what I would like to do.

Sometimes life hands you options, sometimes it hands you ONE option. This is one of those one option situation. I cannot continue to pay over $1k a month to keep us all insured, the job market in Myrtle Beach doesn’t make it at all possible to stay here. So even though I WANT to stay here until the kids are out of school, I needed to find an opportunity where I could provide for us without having to live every moment of my life filled with dread that my house of cards would fall with any passing breeze. To that end I’ve found a position that is going to require us to move. Move before me or the kids want to, before I’m ready to do all the things that come with dealing with your spouse’s belongings after they pass, before I’m ready to leave the good memories behind me, before I WANT to go. This means I have to do all those things while it is breaking my heart to do so in so many ways it is nearly paralyzed with fear and adding more sadness to one that already feels like it’s killing me. This has left me unconsolable. I so much wish Ken were here to hold me and reassure me that everything’s going to be ok. Of course, if he WERE here, I wouldn’t have to make the decisions I’ve made, or make miracles happen in 5 weeks time…but if we did have to do that, I would find comfort in doing it together…we could make things happen when we needed to.

I know I need to suck it up and get things done…I just don’t WANT to. Therein lies the difference between being the adult and being a kid. Kids are so often motivated by what they want opposed to their needs. As a parent, you want to give your kids everything they want that isn’t harmful to them. But sometimes you just can’t, no matter how much it tears you apart. Staying here, in our situation, would be harmful to my ability to provide for us. My only solace is in knowing that someday when they have kids and are faced with life’s hard decisions to do things you need, instead of satiating wants, they’ll understand why decisions have to be made that aren’t always palatable. So I’m scared, I’m alone before I should be, I pray for the strength to do all that needs done, to get it done timely, for speed bumps to be surmountable and for my heart not die in the process.

And now for the warning… my husband died after a car accident…after we’d had an arguement of epic proportions…but, there weren’t any traumatic injuries resulting from the accident and toxicology tests had to be done. His heart had been racing for a few days so he’d gone to the doctor that day and gotten a prescription for Xanax when they couldn’t find any issues with his heart. When the reports came back this week…it showed that he had only the meds he was supposed to have, at the levels they were supposed to be at, in his system. The coroner and pathologist determined that Ken had End Stage Liver Disease. When you are in End Stage Liver Disease, your liver can’t filter out the toxins that your body naturally needs to expel, meds will affect you and poisons resulting from them stay in your system, your body eventually starts to poison your other organs including your brain which can cause you to have mood swings and display erratic behavior… Of course, they asked me if he drank heavily, he didn’t. He just finished a bottle of Crown Royal I gave him for Christmas over 5 years ago. Then came the next question…”Did he take a lot of acetominiphen or ibuprofen?” That’s when the light went on, Ken had a bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin in his computer bag, his office, his truck, the kitchen, our bathroom and on our headboard. He took them whenever he felt the slightest headache or felt any kind of ache. The warning is right there on the labels that it can cause liver disease. I never gave any thought to how much he took, but looking back, all I can visualize and hear in my mind is the rattle of the bottle, seeing me handing them to him, remembering how often I did see him take it, knowing that he took a lot of it that I didn’t see. Ken never went to the Dr. for anything. He’d only gone on Monday because the heart racing wouldn’t stop. I can count on one hand the number of times he went to the Dr. in the last 10 years because he wasn’t feeling well…so all through the last six months or so of his life his body has been tearing itself apart before our eyes, disguised…sadly I’m now seeing things and understanding some whys that I was oblivious to before. My warning is this…if you are, like me, one of those people that take 4 Advils when you have a headache, don’t. If you find yourself taking Tylenol or Excedrin all the time, don’t. It CAN kill you. My other warning is, don’t ever let yourself be so mad at people you love that you part with them angry, saying things you know in your heart you don’t really mean…and if someone you love starts to behave oddly, and it doesn’t resolve itself quickly, don’t assume that it’s because they are just changing…it’s far better to get them to go the Dr. and get checked out, than to lose them.