tiggerprr’s scratching post

I’m afraid. One of those afraids you see in horror movies when you know that the killer is just around the bend about to pounce, and you freeze. But, since I am an adult and live in the real world, I know I have to move or just stand by and watch it happen. That can’t happen. So I have to be afraid, but do what I NEED to do despite my fears, instead of what I would like to do.

Sometimes life hands you options, sometimes it hands you ONE option. This is one of those one option situation. I cannot continue to pay over $1k a month to keep us all insured, the job market in Myrtle Beach doesn’t make it at all possible to stay here. So even though I WANT to stay here until the kids are out of school, I needed to find an opportunity where I could provide for us without having to live every moment of my life filled with dread that my house of cards would fall with any passing breeze. To that end I’ve found a position that is going to require us to move. Move before me or the kids want to, before I’m ready to do all the things that come with dealing with your spouse’s belongings after they pass, before I’m ready to leave the good memories behind me, before I WANT to go. This means I have to do all those things while it is breaking my heart to do so in so many ways it is nearly paralyzed with fear and adding more sadness to one that already feels like it’s killing me. This has left me unconsolable. I so much wish Ken were here to hold me and reassure me that everything’s going to be ok. Of course, if he WERE here, I wouldn’t have to make the decisions I’ve made, or make miracles happen in 5 weeks time…but if we did have to do that, I would find comfort in doing it together…we could make things happen when we needed to.

I know I need to suck it up and get things done…I just don’t WANT to. Therein lies the difference between being the adult and being a kid. Kids are so often motivated by what they want opposed to their needs. As a parent, you want to give your kids everything they want that isn’t harmful to them. But sometimes you just can’t, no matter how much it tears you apart. Staying here, in our situation, would be harmful to my ability to provide for us. My only solace is in knowing that someday when they have kids and are faced with life’s hard decisions to do things you need, instead of satiating wants, they’ll understand why decisions have to be made that aren’t always palatable. So I’m scared, I’m alone before I should be, I pray for the strength to do all that needs done, to get it done timely, for speed bumps to be surmountable and for my heart not die in the process.

And now for the warning… my husband died after a car accident…after we’d had an arguement of epic proportions…but, there weren’t any traumatic injuries resulting from the accident and toxicology tests had to be done. His heart had been racing for a few days so he’d gone to the doctor that day and gotten a prescription for Xanax when they couldn’t find any issues with his heart. When the reports came back this week…it showed that he had only the meds he was supposed to have, at the levels they were supposed to be at, in his system. The coroner and pathologist determined that Ken had End Stage Liver Disease. When you are in End Stage Liver Disease, your liver can’t filter out the toxins that your body naturally needs to expel, meds will affect you and poisons resulting from them stay in your system, your body eventually starts to poison your other organs including your brain which can cause you to have mood swings and display erratic behavior… Of course, they asked me if he drank heavily, he didn’t. He just finished a bottle of Crown Royal I gave him for Christmas over 5 years ago. Then came the next question…”Did he take a lot of acetominiphen or ibuprofen?” That’s when the light went on, Ken had a bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin in his computer bag, his office, his truck, the kitchen, our bathroom and on our headboard. He took them whenever he felt the slightest headache or felt any kind of ache. The warning is right there on the labels that it can cause liver disease. I never gave any thought to how much he took, but looking back, all I can visualize and hear in my mind is the rattle of the bottle, seeing me handing them to him, remembering how often I did see him take it, knowing that he took a lot of it that I didn’t see. Ken never went to the Dr. for anything. He’d only gone on Monday because the heart racing wouldn’t stop. I can count on one hand the number of times he went to the Dr. in the last 10 years because he wasn’t feeling well…so all through the last six months or so of his life his body has been tearing itself apart before our eyes, disguised…sadly I’m now seeing things and understanding some whys that I was oblivious to before. My warning is this…if you are, like me, one of those people that take 4 Advils when you have a headache, don’t. If you find yourself taking Tylenol or Excedrin all the time, don’t. It CAN kill you. My other warning is, don’t ever let yourself be so mad at people you love that you part with them angry, saying things you know in your heart you don’t really mean…and if someone you love starts to behave oddly, and it doesn’t resolve itself quickly, don’t assume that it’s because they are just changing…it’s far better to get them to go the Dr. and get checked out, than to lose them.

I had a sleep study done a few weeks ago. I can’t remember if I said anything about it before, and frankly, I am too lazy to go back and check if I did. LOL I, of course, slept like a baby, except the 200 times they woke me up because I removed one of the bajillion wires they had hooked up to me.

It turns out, that I awaken 41 times an hour during the few REM sleep cycles I actually make it to. I have sleep apnea…just like my hubby who gasps and snores through the night. I always thought it was just him snoring that was keeping me up. I was wrong…it is his snoring that keeps me up once MY sleep apnea awakens me one time too many.

So tonight…I get to go to another sleep study, so they can fit me with a horrid CPAP machine. Hubby already tried one of these and gave it the boot because he couldn’t sleep with it on. Or so he says. }:-)> My doctor says that perhaps my machine will help to drown him out. LOL Seriously though, nothing says romance like your spouse with a HAZMAT mask on her face connected to a machine that makes her sound like Darth Vader. Nope, nope, nope. Or since I am channeling Darth, perhaps that should be “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

I sure hope I can get used to it if it will help me sleep. On a side note, the doctor put me back on Ambien CR which completely hoses my short term memory. It’s fun though, just so long as I don’t drive or as my Dr. says, “wake up in the middle of the night and make myself a snack without remembering it”. That hasn’t happened yet. At least, not that I can remember. hehe

Now that I have your attention…

Ashlyn had her wisdom teeth extracted today, all of them. Here’s a nice picture of her in recovery just before she used her cell phone to communicate the above statement to me…

She was quite amusing to me, since she kept explaining how good she felt (through a mouth filled with gauze) and wrote that she felt like Angelina Jolie (I assume her lips were feeling plump – either that or she had delusions that she was going to go home to Brad Pitt. hehe). She even spelled out a few lyrics from James Brown’s “I Feel Good” in between moments of complete stupor. Yes, I saved those post-it note ramblings for posterity too.

She’s now on the couch, sleeping the drugs off and icing her jaws. Being 17, and a (if I do say so myself) not hideous looking kid, she was pretty concerned about how fat her cheeks looked. I think she looks pretty good for having four wisdom teeth removed and I have to say I’m quite proud of how she went into this day. I asked her if she was scared on the way in to the oral surgeon’s office and she replied that she wasn’t, that she’d be asleep and that it would stop her other teeth from hurting when she eats (as they had been lately). She held my hand as they put her under, and then wanted a hug when they brought me back to their recovery area.

Despite the discomfort I know this is causing her, I’d say she took it like a trooper.

Ashlyn’s surgery on Thursday was uneventful, despite being a couple hours behind schedule. We’re hoping that she’ll be able to regain full range of motion in her knee after this. However, it means 5 days a week of physical therapy for the next several weeks. It also means that Ken and I get to push her to exercise her knee when she’s not in therapy, no matter how much she resists, cries or gets angry with us. Good times at Casa tiggerprr. NOT.

It’s interesting to me, the dynamic of loving someone so much that you are willing to yell, coax and cajole them into doing something that’s painful to them, for their greater good. Such is the foundation of parenthood I suppose.

I’m still hating my job. Just waiting for that moment that I can give them my notice and move to greener pastures it will only be the 3rd time I’ve ever quit a job to go to a different one. It has never ceased to amaze me that companies whose primary function is to provide other companies with human resource “expertise” never fail to treat their own employees like dirt. Yet, I stay in the industry… go figure. Codependant anyone? LOL

I’ve been watching “So You Think You Can Dance” this season, I love this show, and I don’t know why! Perhaps it’s the sadist in me that enjoys turning to look at my hubby to make sure he’s watching, when I know he’d rather have badgers nibbling at some tender spot on his body than to be watching this show voluntarily. Noooo, I’m not that mean… much. I couldn’t believe they tossed that poor girl this week (can’t remember her name!), I thought her and Pasha (notice I DO remember HIS name) looked smoking hot together and danced well. ::sigh:: My guess is they were afraid she’d keel over dead in the middle of a routine. The world will never know. I do think that Pasha will be hosed now for a partner, hope that doesn’t cost him in the big picture.

Evan Almighty, go see it. It was better than Bruce Almighty, IMO. Those of you who’ve read my blog for a while know that I do not cry at many movies. I did get misty at one point when all the animals were there waiting to get on the ark. I get misty at the beginning of “The Lion King” when all the animals are heading to Pride Rock to see Simba for the first time. What on earth is it about the majesty of all animalkind congregating that thaws my icy heart so? It’s so embarassing but yeah, animals get me all choked up.

So, that’s what’s been going on in my 100 Acre Woods. How are all of you?

I’m feeling quite like Eeyore lately rather than bouncy tiggerprr. I suppose it would be better if I could manage to find the time to blog more regularly, just to get stuff out there rather than just keeping it in my head and weighing on my heart. So much is going on, I’m afraid that the roller coaster I’ve described in the few posts I have made over the past couple of months continues, and doesn’t seem to be reducing speed at all.

To summarize:

1) Ashlyn is having a 2nd knee surgery on June 28th. It seems that her kneecap is adhering to the rest of her knee making bending her knee difficult. After that, she’ll be having physical therapy five times a week for God know’s how long. Don’t even get me started on slow paying insurance companies and ginormous co-pays. :/

2) I’m frankly amazed that work hasn’t fired me because I’m having to take some much time off with this. However, I’d almost welcome it since work sucks so much! They finally hired me, but I’m finding that hasn’t made me feel any better. I’m honestly just hanging on until I can get Ashlyn better and then I’m going to take a long hard look at the situation.

3) My stepkids have finally arrived, so we’re all adjusting to having 5 of us around and having some family fun.

4) Myrtle Beach tourist season. Bleh. (Though it’s not the hellish hell that people who lived here for a while have described. At least, not to me.)

5) My own back, while troublesome, isn’t really a candidate for any type of intervention. I am seeing the spinal surgeon on Monday to have him look at my neck MRI but the ortho guy I saw initially thinks I’m too young for them to go back in and muck around again. I’m not sure what he thinks I should be doing with a right thumb that locks up involuntarily when I use it for any real length of time. Oh well.

6) I’m down to my very last Ambien CR. That’s very dissapointing. Since I can’t sleep worth a poo worse than normal lately. Yes, I’m hoarding it.

So, so whiny right? LOL

There’s some stuff that I want to be doing… like planting flowers and whatnot in the yard. I don’t even know where to begin with that though. I kill cactus. It’s a talent. I also need to read the last 2 Harry Potter books before the 7th one comes out. I have about 7 other books I also need to read. I should really start taking them everywhere with me, I usually have an hour or so to kill when I am waiting on Ashlyn to get done with her therapy.

So much to do, so little time. Even though I may not always comment, I am lurking around when I have a small window of time to peek in on all of your lives. Don’t forget me..I promise I’ll be back in full force someday soon.

It’s been a long while since I did a meaty post here. Not for lack of things to say, just simply a lack of time/energy to say them. It’s been pointed out to me that people have many plates they try to balance, but that the sheer quantity of my plates outnumbers most people. So, THAT’S why I’m feeling like this, eh? So buckle your seatbelts, this may be a long and bumpy ride, err post.

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