tiggerprr’s scratching post

I never get too serious here at my scratching post because it’s usually more entertaining to write about the good or the funny. Today is not one of those days.

I never write about my childhood much. Mostly because it sucked. I had a mom with a severe mental illness that prevented her from being a nurturing mother, but instead an abusive monster. I feared her. I was shamed by her. The experience left me adamant that I wouldn’t ever have children, just on the off chance that I would be cursed with her illness and mostly, because I had no confidence that I would be any good at being a mother.

As with a lot of plans, things don’t always go as you intend. So I did have a child, and I have never known anything that resembles the love a parent has for a child. I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t be the mother I had. I haven’t been.

Yet I find myself in a place I don’t understand. Ashlyn ran away tonight. Because I hold her accountable for her actions, or inactions and I refuse to bend to her will. To me, a good mother, will protect her child from harm, even if that means protecting them from themselves.

She has found herself safe harbor from me and my requirement that she be responsible and accountable for her actions in the home of her boyfriend’s mother. I suppose at least, I should be thankful she’s not out roaming the streets. I’m not finding myself able to be thankful that this woman I’ve never met thinks she knows more about what’s best for my daughter than I do. I think she’s got some balls to interfere in my family like this. But, Ashlyn’s 18, so there’s nothing I can do about it except give Ashlyn what she wants, to let her fly on her own without the interference of mom, but also without the safety net of mom.

Every action, has a reaction. I know Ashlyn hasn’t thought this through, but what she did today cannot be undone. I will never see her the way I did before nor will she see me the same. It is changed, irreversibly. I am changed. I have had two failed marriages. I have been fired from a job I loved. I failed to complete college. I have never felt as defeated as I do right now.

I’ve always been big on having a plan. I have no plan now and I feel like my path is so unclear. I fear for Ashlyn, because I know what she doesn’t know about life and how you can’t just do whatever. This is not my plan. Instead of looking forward to her graduation in 4 weeks, I now dread it. I do not know if she will get there and as of now, I have no plan to be there if she does. I cannot condone or support her actions.

Despite my good intentions, I have failed.

Personal to Desert Songbird: Why, yes…someone is home! (For a few minutes anyway, hehe.) See, I’m even posting!

So, along with a whole bunch of people, I watched last week’s “Idol Gives Back” special shows. I have to admit, that although I do feel compassion for the plight of those less fortunate than I am, I am not often moved to tears when it is not people in my own little community. In fact, I am more apt to get upset over the mistreatment or misfortunes that befall our furry friends than other humans. I’m not sure why, I’m not a mean person, I’m just wired that way. This special though, really struck all three of us and in fact, all three of us found ourselves wiping tears away and I know I heard sniffling. Seeing the softer side of Simon was sort of touching too. We voted for the first time this season, to help do our part to help give a little.

Homelessness and hunger are a much larger problem in our country than most people realize. What’s almost worse is how many “working homeless” people there are. I was shocked to learn when I lived in Springfield, IL that in a town of approximately 100,000 people, 400 people (mostly women and children) had no place to call home and either bounced from home to home of friends/relatives or vyed for one of the limited spaces in the various homeless shelters available to help them. It’s disturbing to me that families, who have jobs, can’t afford to pay for a roof over their heads. It affected my heart profoundly when I met with the director of one of those shelters to find out how serious the problem was in what was then the town I called home. I also realized that until I met her, I didn’t see the face of homelessness, aside from the one or two people I’d seen while driving through the “downtown” area. I now know, that even though I can’t always see it, no matter where I go, there is a homelessness problem. Don’t even get me started on hunger and the statistics of how many kids go to school hungry…

I never thought that American Idol would ever make me really think…but it sure did last week. How did it affect you if you watched it? Something to think about for sure, eh?

OC heer, Mama’s not lookin so weer takin over furr a minit. Carma, the fat fluffy cat and me, OC, nomynaeted owr Papa for Skeezix the Catz Food Dood of the Yeer Reward. Weed appreeshiated if yood go vote fer him. Yoo can click the pikchur over there by yoor right paw to reed owr storee and then rejister to vote if yoo like. Carma wood like me to tell yoo that itz fer a good cause. Many cats and their peepul have hit some hard timez or had health issuez and Skeezix’s Food Lady sed sheed donate $1 a entreee to several peepul up to $50 per person/cat friend. Skeezix’s Food Lady iz furry nice. Bee prepared wif sum tissue, yoor eyez will leek at sum of the storeez.

Shhhhh…heer she comes…memeber, clik the button. Therez some ‘nip in it fer yoo.

OK, so late last night, I decided to be festive and upload a cool Christmas theme. It LOOKED ok after some sidebar tweakage. I was all excited, because I did it all by myself and didn’t have to bother Yoshi, not even once!

Then my mailbox started getting bombarded with alll sorts of problems stemming from my themes. The only way I could resolve it, was to delete the Christmas theme. Me, being the stubborn idiot persistent trooper that I am, thought perhaps that theme has something wonky in it and I’ll just try another. Well…that one was wonkier than the first one. I give up.

My friends, do me a favor and when you visit me, visualize sugarplums dancing not in your head, but in my header. And if you visit later to find my site belly up, note that it’s only temporary, because I’m still being a stubborn idiot persistent trooper, in hopes to bring you all some holiday cheer!

Oh…and in a rainbows and unicorns moment: please go vote for my Christmas tree at Local Girl’s 2006 Christmas Tree Decorating Contest! Quick! Before it breaks her website, since festive holiday things are forsaking me!

It’s a potluck of info about you! Join us here.

Appetizer - What is your favorite beverage?

Coca-Cola, if I don’t have it…in the words of Dr. Evil…PEOPLE DIE! I really have been trying to drink other things…but the headaches…and the moodswings…ugh! We can thank my Mom for watering Coke down and putting it in my bottle when I was wee little. :/

Soup - Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.

I don’t have a desk per se. I hurt my back several years ago, and so I could rest in the recliner and play Everquest my then fiance, now hubby, set me up in the living room on the couch. It was so comfy, he did his…and we’ve never gone back to a desk. I even mouse with my left hand on the arm of the chair. So, technically, I guess my couch is my desk, and on it…a digital camera, my cell phone and cat hair. I am collecting the hair on the couch so that I can knit the cats sweaters for Christmas…they’re going to be bald by then at the rate they seem to be losing their hair. hehe

Salad - On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?

Using that scale, I think I’m about an 8. I’m not totally honest, because I will tell a white lie to save someone’s feelings/esteem. At least on things that aren’t greatly important, know what I mean? I cannot divulge what else I might fudge on in an effort to continue any covert Mom/Wife operations I might, or might not, be participating in. If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Then there’d only be like 5 people left to read my blog, and that would make me sad.

Main Course - If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?

Cooter, Mo. I’d change it to, Pleasantville or something. Why would I change Cooter? Hmm because even though I get a little chuckle every time I’ve passed through it, and have actually even spent the night there in lovely, quiet, Cooter…the name is … just … wrong.

Dessert - What stresses you out? What calms you down?

People stress me out. I know that’s odd considering my Human Resources thing, but nothing can stress me out like people. What calms me down, is different people, my cats, various (disclaimer: legal!) pharmaceutical remedies. They just won’t give you valium at will.

For more information head on over to Unconscious Mutterings and have a looksie.

1. Opinion :: ated.
2. Tardy :: Lardy
3. Peer pressure :: teenagers
4. Grownup :: never!
5. ! :: !!
6. Beer :: Bong
7. Sit :: Spin
8. Shower :: Massage
9. Consumate :: Professional
10. Wasting :: Away Again in Margaritaville

Your turn

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