I never write about my childhood much. Mostly because it sucked. I had a mom with a severe mental illness that prevented her from being a nurturing mother, but instead an abusive monster. I feared her. I was shamed by her. The experience left me adamant that I wouldn’t ever have children, just on the off chance that I would be cursed with her illness and mostly, because I had no confidence that I would be any good at being a mother.

As with a lot of plans, things don’t always go as you intend. So I did have a child, and I have never known anything that resembles the love a parent has for a child. I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t be the mother I had. I haven’t been.

Yet I find myself in a place I don’t understand. Ashlyn ran away tonight. Because I hold her accountable for her actions, or inactions and I refuse to bend to her will. To me, a good mother, will protect her child from harm, even if that means protecting them from themselves.

She has found herself safe harbor from me and my requirement that she be responsible and accountable for her actions in the home of her boyfriend’s mother. I suppose at least, I should be thankful she’s not out roaming the streets. I’m not finding myself able to be thankful that this woman I’ve never met thinks she knows more about what’s best for my daughter than I do. I think she’s got some balls to interfere in my family like this. But, Ashlyn’s 18, so there’s nothing I can do about it except give Ashlyn what she wants, to let her fly on her own without the interference of mom, but also without the safety net of mom.

Every action, has a reaction. I know Ashlyn hasn’t thought this through, but what she did today cannot be undone. I will never see her the way I did before nor will she see me the same. It is changed, irreversibly. I am changed. I have had two failed marriages. I have been fired from a job I loved. I failed to complete college. I have never felt as defeated as I do right now.

I’ve always been big on having a plan. I have no plan now and I feel like my path is so unclear. I fear for Ashlyn, because I know what she doesn’t know about life and how you can’t just do whatever. This is not my plan. Instead of looking forward to her graduation in 4 weeks, I now dread it. I do not know if she will get there and as of now, I have no plan to be there if she does. I cannot condone or support her actions.

Despite my good intentions, I have failed.

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Joe Elliott’s voice sounds just as sexy as it did when I was younger. ::purrs::

I honestly feel that several of these songs could easily find a place on Hysteria or Euphoria. I wouldn’t go so far as to say Pyromania, that album was near perfection.

I can forgive them the debacle that was Dancing with the Stars, they delivered music I’m happily listening to over and over again.

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Anyone who knew me in the 1980s should know that I am a MONSTER Def Leppard Fan. I have wanted in Joe Elliott’s pants since before I would have known what to do once I got there. Joe, if you’re out there…believe me, I know now.

Last week as I was watching Dance with the Stars, I had a WTF moment when they announced that Def Leppard would be singing on the show. Mind you, I love DWTS…and I love Def Leppard…but really, never the two should have met. So I do some checking and sure enough, Def Leppard has a new album er, CD, out today. So ok, any publicity is good publicity they say.

But it gets worse…

I tune in tonight, to have Def Leppard not only be on the show, and yes, it’s still nice to drool over Joe…but…

THEY FREAKING LIP SYNCED “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. This can mean only one thing…

I am old.

I still love Joe.

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They better not effing tell any of them that they don’t sound contemporary enough. I mean really!? Neil Diamond? WTF

That is all….

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It turns out, that I awaken 41 times an hour during the few REM sleep cycles I actually make it to. I have sleep apnea…just like my hubby who gasps and snores through the night. I always thought it was just him snoring that was keeping me up. I was wrong…it is his snoring that keeps me up once MY sleep apnea awakens me one time too many.

So tonight…I get to go to another sleep study, so they can fit me with a horrid CPAP machine. Hubby already tried one of these and gave it the boot because he couldn’t sleep with it on. Or so he says. }:-)> My doctor says that perhaps my machine will help to drown him out. LOL Seriously though, nothing says romance like your spouse with a HAZMAT mask on her face connected to a machine that makes her sound like Darth Vader. Nope, nope, nope. Or since I am channeling Darth, perhaps that should be “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

I sure hope I can get used to it if it will help me sleep. On a side note, the doctor put me back on Ambien CR which completely hoses my short term memory. It’s fun though, just so long as I don’t drive or as my Dr. says, “wake up in the middle of the night and make myself a snack without remembering it”. That hasn’t happened yet. At least, not that I can remember. hehe

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